Choosing to Make the Quantum Leap | Ep. 12

What does it mean to take a leap of faith? And what (or who) waits for us on the other side?

I took a leap of faith 3 years ago when I chose to leave the 9-5 model. I now travel the world living a global, seasonal lifestyle within a decentralized community of incredible humans... sounds incredible right? It is, AND it hasn’t come without its challenges. I’ve had to move through my fears over and over again. Often when we imagine the idealized version of ourselves or our lives, we don’t see the difficult aspects of being emotional, physical beings. 

Every lifestyle and every choice has pros and cons. But when we follow our inner guidance system, I find that the cons or “negative” aspects are aligned too. They often hold the medicine we need to fully step into that choice, and learn to love ourselves through all phases of the journey. 

Taking the leap of faith is a bold choice – one that I have made often. I find the hardest “leaps” are the ones we feel we can’t come back from… like deprogramming our mindsets, doing plant medicine, or any other choice that we intuitively know will change us to our core. Maybe our loved ones won’t even recognize us anymore. Part of us dies during these choices, but a new version of us is born in the process. It can feel disorienting to step into a completely new version of ourselves, a new set of rules or thinking, or start living in a new reality. 

Any other quantum jumpers out there? This one’s for you!

Links: 
www.nicolebellisle.com
https://www.instagram.com/nicolebellisle/

Chapters

• 5:24 Idealism vs. reality
• 6:04 Globally traveling as a highly sensitive, empathetic person
• 11:22 Cocoa ceremony in Ireland
• 13:52 Overcompensating with my more "masculine" skillsets
• 16:54 Living by my own set of rules
• 21:01 Moving from "either / or" extreme thinking, to "both / neither"
• 27:54 Leaving the 9-5 reality
• 30:22 Trusting ourselves enough to take the leap of faith
• 33:40 Getting comfortable with discomfort
• 35:49 Trusting our inner leader to guide us home
• 39:46 Moving through the fear zone
• 45:34 Ego death and plant medicine

Transcript

0:10

The way we've been doing working leadership is deeply broken. Whether you're healing from burnout or just looking for a better way to run your company, you're in the right place. What is the future of work even look like? That is a question we get to answer together. After working with 1000s of executives and entrepreneurs around the world, I know that the deepest leadership issues are deeply human. We've got to heal ourselves if we want to heal the world. Welcome to the new self Podcast, where each week, I'll help you explore topics that will level up your leadership and your life. I'm your host, Nicole Bellisle. I'm a leadership expert and Reiki master. And I believe the secret to more conscious work and leadership is self healing, grab a seat and get cozy because we're about to go on a journey. Hey, conscious leaders. As always, I'm so grateful to be here with you today. I have all kinds of good, fun, deep, interesting themes that are showing up in life that I can't wait to share with you today. So if you're with me on YouTube, you'll notice I am in yet another new space, I am in a different office than I was even last week. So I have a fun virtual background today, which I never do. But when you live a seasonal and cyclical lifestyle design, which I do if you're new here, welcome. I'm really into a lifestyle design that that looks like I designed it that looks like it is tailor made for me. And yeah, for me that looks like seasonal global living in these amazing communities around the world in cities where thought leaders are convening in places where my existing network of community members colleagues, in just incredible humans are already gathering, it is so wonderful to be back out and traveling after years of not. And the journey of remembering the good, the bad, and the ugly of traveling has all been his all been present on this trip. This is. So I'm still broadcasting from Ireland, I leave for Scotland on Thursday, and I will be entering a van life experience for about 10 days. So I am still very much on the road. And this this has been my first international trip since pre COVID. And like with anything, there is always the idealized version or vision that we have in our head. And then there's the 3d physical reality of, of that becoming real of physically walking through the experience that you called in, or that you chose to have. So in my case, coming to Ireland, moving to a few different places around the country to experience the different energies of the land, all of that was really important. So I knew we know what are the criteria and intentions that I have for this trip? And then how do I design just enough structure and planning so that I can feel safe and secure along the way, but allow emergence and absolute magic and the unexpected or unknown to happen through or from the foundation or basis of security that I had built with this with this light structure of at least knowing where I was going to sleep most of the nights. So that that has worked for me that balance. And yet I think when when you sit in the vision and hold it in your heart, we don't necessarily visualize or use in our manifestation techniques, the the harder aspects of living our dreams. Everything has pros and cons. So traveling and living this seasonal lifestyle. I want to be really honest and transparent that like yes, that is incredible, incredible. I get to be in the energies of people and places all around the world and it literally changes and shapes who I'm becoming. And I love that I love this version of myself. And I know that putting myself inside these different environmental contexts and even challenges is is what is allowing me to become this version of myself. So I have no regrets. I have no regrets. And the the cons right like the flip side of the coin, we may think of these as inherently bad because they're difficult. But every con on this trip has also had the gift of some nugget of wisdom or message that has also been tailor made for me. So living in beautiful places, getting to do van life, all of that is incredible. And when I imagined it, I imagined the idealized version of it, as I call that in, I see the romance of living in the forest of getting to wake up each day and feeling like what do I want to do now? What does the day have in store for me, and there's the reality of having to fill the tank of having to unpack and repack between places having to load up the van and get re acclimated to new environments very often. And as someone who is energetically very sensitive, and even more so because of all of the the meantime, the all have the spaciousness and the stillness that I had during COVID, to really be with myself, for perhaps the first time in my life, at least for that amount of time. If I'm coming back into the world, even more sensitive, even more sensitive than I already was, as an intuitive and empathetic person. So I'm out here in the world, and I am walking through these experiences and these conversations with people. And it's as if I'm communicating with them on five dimensions, not just the verbal, right, it's like I'm picking up on body cues, I haven't interacted with a ton of people in the last three years, not in person anyway. So I'm hypersensitive to body cues to the look that someone has in their eye to new surroundings, because I and just all of the energy that my system is requiring for me to process and digest all of the millions upon millions of tiny little data points of my environment and the people in it. And so my my system, my brain, my body, my my intuition has has just been in this state of hypersensitivity, hypersensitivity picking up so much. And the lesson in all of that for me this week, especially on a week where I got my very first I read ology consultation, which is the the reading of the irises with this idea that our eyes and the irises are windows into our physiological and emotional operating system. And so similar to how reflexology is a map of all of these organs and systems within us, and we can use these pressure points to, to release blockages or, to, at the very least give us insights of where, where the weaknesses where the more vulnerable systems in our bodies might lie so that we can nurture those and tend those. It's very similar with iridology as I'm learning because the the friend that I'm traveling with is in this beautiful program. I tell her all the time that it's as if she's going to like a Hogwarts fairy school in Ireland, it's so magical, I got to go in the building and read everyone and then get my eye my irises read and so much was reflected back to me that that reaffirmed this increase in sensitivity or intuition that I've been feeling. And it became very clear that within that there is a deep connection to my ability to digest. So my digestive system, which I I have been having a lot of trouble with since traveling, so our physical symptoms can be a mirror into what's going on for us emotionally. This. This very concept also sits at the root of Reiki energy healing, which, as you've maybe heard me say, if you've been tuning in week after week, I am both a seasoned executive and a Reiki Master Practitioner with 15 years of experience. And I absolutely in my experience of my own health and working with clients over the years. I do believe that under each of our physical ailments, there is an emotional or an energetic root cause And so this this symptom, right of like my, my inability to digest showing up while while traveling, you know, of course the food is different. And of course, my bathroom situation is always, always changing. So there's, there's that very human element of feeling comfortable in our own skin, of course, but I've also been digesting so much information, so much energy, I have been digesting a life. And as if traveling and doing the digital nomad thing wasn't enough for this for this trip, I also have made some choices to step into really incredible healing containers, and do some of that deep inner work. So I have continued my weekly therapy sessions with my incredible therapist while I've been here. But I have also continued working with my voice coach, we're doing incredible deep healing work on the connection between finding our voice and being like truly free in our in the expression of our authentic self. And we're exploring, like, what does that even mean? So that work continues and continues to be really, really powerful. And just this last weekend, I also stepped into ceremony with about maybe 15 to 20 other women in attendance in this incredible yogurt environment in the middle of the countryside. And we stepped into a cacao ceremony together that had Oh, such a beautiful facilitation, I am still blown away and so inspired by how this space was held. So thank you, thank you, thank you to the facilitators, if you ever happen to be listening to this, I am still deeply moved by your skill set and how you showed up. There was incredible sound making emotional release, channeled song drumming, there was biofield tuning, oh my gosh, this was my first experience of biofield tuning. Just yeah, incredible. Some of the biggest emotional releases are energetic releases, I have felt in my body. Essentially, there are these tuning forks that the practitioner uses to, to help calibrate or re attune your energy and the specific energy centers of your body into a state of balance into into a healthy frequency is my limited understanding of this, this is at least what I experienced as the receiver of, of this methodology that I am now a huge fan of. So all to say I mean, this is like the work hasn't stopped. The work hasn't stopped. And the movement hasn't stopped the the type of work that I'm doing has shifted. I am not currently in a state of work, work, work, produce, produce, produce, you know, find find clients market, do sales do website stuff, I'm not in that space on the road, I am doing deep, deep inner work and healing this pattern within me of overcompensating my more masculine side to validate myself to cope with my deep fear of not being enough of not being valuable. So I overcompensate with this masculine expression of doing and producing and never ending work and I love I love creating businesses don't get me wrong, I love watching conscious companies and conscious leaders grow from the inside out and be on these journeys of deep inner healing that transforms everything they touch, I love that and I still like it is it is the reason that I am here to be a leader in that way and to to be a guide or a model in that way. But this trip has been different it has been a journey into what is the expression of work, what is the expression of creativity when it comes from the more feminine essence within each of us? How does that want to express itself? And for me, it has been mostly self reflection in the form of journaling, healing, self healing and regeneration in the form of self breaky doing my morning rhythm when I can, you know being on the road at the kind of my environment does impact whether I stick with that or not. And it's been in the form of investigating my deepest beliefs, fears, patterns, traumas all the way back to childhood all the way back to having surgery as a seven year old. For my kidney reflux disease that I had, at a very young age, like I'm going way back, even went into back into the womb, and into the time when I would have still been in my mother's womb, during this cacao ceremony. So this is deep, deep work, it's not, it's not work that I get paid for in money. It's it's not work that is easy to share, or harvest. Or, or extract value from, with the purpose of sharing, of course, there's so much value in it, but it's, I'm learning to trust that it's enough, it is enough to have the experience to authentically feel the emotions and to give myself the time and space to integrate without satiating the, the, like compulsive part of me, that can show up and be like, Oh, well, this is a learning we should post it on social media, oh, well, this is a fun experience, we should turn that into an offering, we should add that or something similar to a service that I already provide. All of that can happen. There's there's a time and space for that. But it's not where I am right now, it's not where I am, I am in a deep exploration of what it means to live by my own rules, and to live within a new paradigm that I have constructed. Each one of us has an incredibly different reality that we are living, we can be living in the same household, we could be sleeping in the same bed side by side and have two completely different realities that we're running at any given time. So as the creators of our own reality, it's, it's so important for us to understand the the deeper operating system of beliefs, the deeper logic or blueprint that we are creating from. And if there are any beliefs within that, that we don't want to keep, we get to do the deep work to change that. But that is work that is work. And so much in the external world, pulls us away from that work distracts us or numbs us, or at least Bekins us or tempts us to, to put it off, to suppress it, to brush it on under the rug, to bottle it up and take it to maybe the only container that we have to fully express it to fully do that deep inner work. And maybe we don't even have time to do that very often. Like all of that is okay, all of that is perfectly okay if that's where you are. And if that's your reality, there's nothing wrong with that you are not wrong. But this this devaluation of the feminine and the devaluation of the deep inner work at a systemic level. Like that's, that's what I am taking issue with and pushing the mold of because this this work in my experience is the most valuable work that that there is the creation comes after the creation comes from doing the the inner gestation and being in that incubation phase with myself. So that I can be the version of myself who then births XYZ, who then calls in XYZ creation or manifestation. So in a lot of ways, I feel like I feel like in our modern capitalist society, like we have a backwards we have the process backwards. And my my former colleague used to always say this, like you got to flip that algorithm, you got to flip the sequence of that. It doesn't always have to start with with doing, it can start with being and creating enough stillness and spaciousness around us. So that's that. divine inspiration then shows up and guides us to the next step. We get to ask ourselves really deep, meaningful questions. We get to listen for the answer within our body Use within our own divine feminine, and then take action from that deeper place of alignment and truth. And I'm really learning into this, the more the more emergently I show up in life. But this this logic this, this operating system or way of being, it can at times be be threatening or triggering to others because it's it's like the opposite of what we've been doing. It's the opposite of what I've been doing in the bulk of my career. And yet it feels so liberating to, to swing the pendulum this other way to try on a new operating system and then begin integrating the to begin integrating the best parts of the two. So that we can have a really sort of mature version and integrated version of masculine and feminine systems within leadership within business like that. That integration of seemingly opposite concepts is one of my gifts, that it is one of the things that shows up in my jean Qi, which is an amazing self assessment, if you've never heard of it, shout out to Richard Rudd, I love you and all that you channel. So Gene ki.com/free profile, there might be a hyphen, between free and profile. But you can Google that and find it very, very insightful as far as a self assessment goes. And so I have, I have gene keys, 63, and 64, which represent the very end of our, our, like the genetic strand, these are the last two genes out of the 64. And they have a lot to do with integrating opposites. And one thing this means in my own life is that I can swing into extremes very easily, I can be very susceptible to either or thinking and get down or depressed on the this like seemingly limited choice of either or, like either, either I am moving to Europe, or I am living in my hometown, it's like, well, those are the only choices to go for, like as far as you can possibly imagine. And to stay, like in the place of your earliest memories, like those are not the only two options. And yet my brain thinks that way sometimes. So I have to be really careful to this either or pattern. And, and that's a pattern that shows up in in some of this linear thinking that we have been conditioned into. If This Then That. And there may be a time in place for that. Of course, of course, of course. There are other pathways, there are other pathways to other sets of choices that I am learning into. So what is it I'm really trying to say with all of that, my goodness, I'm learning that, like, I'm often choosing both, I'm often choosing both of of whatever the two opposing opposites are, I am choosing to both be a badass executive entrepreneur. And a spiritual digital nomad, doing dope ass healing ceremonies all around the world in community. I'm choosing both. I don't I don't have to be one or the other. I don't have to fit one mold. I am reclaiming that I that I am all of these parts. All of these are true. It's all me. And my voice teacher was really channeling that message so loud and clear. It's it's all you What is it to be really authentic. It's like all of these are true. All of these expressions of you, are you. And that's okay. Like we I think we get so caught up in our identities being one thing, or needing to be labeled. And if we resonate with a label, great, but if we don't, well, why are we so obsessed with needing labels? Labels lead us to boxes and living within molds. Or at least they can. If the label is inherently limiting, or has all these energetic attachments and connotations to it that then enter your field. So I also try to be really careful and intentional with the language that I use and with with what I'm giving labels and why. Because words, words are spells you may have heard me and many others say that words are spells What we see matters so often I'm you know, I'm choosing both and some of these lifestyles don't yet have a norm or name. And so I'm just out there like pioneering on the edge and running into walls here in there, right where it's like, oh shit like wow, being you know, being a bit nomadic is hard. Carrying around my stuff everywhere it's hard It makes me want to have less stuff like okay, but like I need my podcasting equipment. Like these are just some of the thoughts I've been having as I've been brushing up against the pros and cons of living our dreams. Because there there are always upsides and downsides, even within our biggest dreams. And I've learned the hard way that when we have attachments to our expectations around how something should be, or will be in our minds, when it's not that like, at least for me as as someone who struggles and Well, someone who's a recovering perfectionist will say, for me when I get to those situations and unlike I'm like, yes, yes, this is what I have been dreaming of, I'm living it, I can't believe it. But then the shadow side of it shows up, the imperfections show up and then it'll become all I can see. To the point that I lose access to the gratitude of having called it in at all, having manifested it in the first place. It's why gratitude practices are so important to me to to anchor me in the gratitude for what is so that I don't get swept away with the judgment or the critique of aspects of it not being perfect or not what I expected in the unexpected is often where the deepest medicine is, in the transmutation of those shadows is it like is often the medicine that I need at the time. So, yeah, yeah, out here living in in all of it, in absolutely all of it, playing by a different set of rules and creating those daily, continuing to ask myself the deep questions of like, what, what even is this reality? And what is this new reality that I seem to be creating for myself? Who is it that I'm becoming? I sit in these questions all the time, all the time. Because I do feel like, and this is really, this is really what I showed up wanting to get into today. I do feel like I have, in many ways left the the reality that I had previously been operating in when I was deeply entrenched in my nine to five and deeply in the story of my value or worth coming from my career, my paycheck. That was a whole other reality that I was operating in. And I believed it, it felt and looked so real at the time, you work your way up, you get your foot in the door, all these all these things. And my whole reality was mirroring back to me like yes, those things are true. And so therefore you have to do it this way. But I feel like I made a choice at one point to start listening to my body and start listening to the deeper truth within me that like this, like this isn't all there is this this? It started as like this can't be all there is like what can't be all there there is I'm pinching myself off to like to show up in this reality all the time and give give my value as like something that feeds a system that I didn't design. And that's like that felt very life taking to me taking my life force to, to run it through a system that that benefits a few but doesn't always circulate reciprocally back to me. And of course, like, within my closer relationships in my career, I mean, I like I hadn't, I still am friends and colleagues with so many of the people that I worked with, even when I was in that paradigm. But I made the choice to step out of it, which is honestly one of the scariest things I've ever done to leave the security of my nine to five to trust my intuition which was saying, like this other way of doing business this More regenerative way that's that's based on nature's principles and not just financial principles. Like there's there's something here for you follow, follow the call. It's terrifying to take that leap of faith within ourselves. But the other thing I'm realizing this week is that when we take those leaps of faith, it's like that is that is a quantum leap. That is what a quantum leap is to me these days, that that beautiful combination of trust in self, a loving and trusting relationship with the universe and would like the laws of manifestation. My trust for that only deepens, the more that I do it, manifestations getting easier and faster. So in that beautiful combination of trusting ourselves of knowing that we have our own back, even if we make the jump and fall flat on the ground, and hurt ourselves or realize we made a mistake, whatever it might be, like, as long as we have that, that practice of trusting ourselves and nurturing ourselves will be okay in any situation. So these these practices are such cultivators for the resistance or resistance, resilience. Interesting, yeah, resilience, of being able to take these leaps, when we when we are regulated, in our nervous systems, when we have good mental health, because we've been prioritizing that we can take these leaps, we can take bigger risks. Because it won't, I mean, no guarantees, but like, we'll we'll be able to catch ourselves, even even in the most difficult of situations, even in the most painful situations is what I've learned. So these, like this sequence of leaps of faith, where it was first leaving the nine to five, then moving across the country, then sort of pivoting my career into like a slightly different, a slightly different model and a slightly different industry. Making new friends and putting myself out there, beginning to choose differently in my romantic relationships. All of these leaps of faith that were born from a deeper truth within me, have just continued to sort of lead me through, leave me across this big chasm of, of who I was, and all that I was stuck, believing, and who and who had become now there, like there was a gap between these two versions of me and there, and there still is, I think this gap is kind of the difference between the or the distance between who we are now and our highest self, there may always be a gap, and that's okay. But each time I listen to my heart, it's like I, I got in my future self, my higher self, and God was guiding me towards a version of life that that was more full of life, actually, and more life giving more reciprocal more in flow. But like I said, In the beginning, even when we make those jumps, and are living our ideal lives, our ideal lifestyles, the the shadow side of that, I think can can show up just as big. So had to get really comfortable with discomfort. And I've had to learn into the connection between pleasure and pain. And that often on the other side of pain is pleasure or love. That sometimes the the pain of an emotional release or a memory surfacing, or of a trigger moving through us that sometimes that is making room for something else within us. It's like when we clean out our closet, and then all of a sudden you have all this space for new energy. It's like doing that for our bodies doing that for our energy fields. So much different relationship to hardship and pain. And I dare say that now you know, when it shows up like I can be both the one experiencing the excruciating pain in my body and the grief in my heart and be the observer of that simultaneously to be the one watching me in the process. And almost almost as if like, I'm my own guardian angel in a way like watching over and and saying like it's so this is hard but like this too shall pass it's Oh, it's okay that this is hard, you're doing a great job, you're doing great work, you can let this go now you don't have to carry this, this isn't your weight to carry. These are just some of the things that that that observer or that higher self says to me, right like as I'm, as I am, like weeping on the floor of a yurt during a cacao ceremony as was the case two days ago. So I just love this, this inner guide, this inner leader I am often the the one leading myself home I'm often the one leading myself home. And the more I cultivate that inner leader who's so practiced in in love and intuition, like the the more this current self that sits here now and the 3d The more I the more I trust that leader, because I'm doing the deep work to be in full alignment and an integrity with myself and I'm opening up my ability to listen to myself to listen to the wisdom of my body. My body is signaling that it's a no I get to honor that. I don't I don't have to talk myself out of it because this is just the way it is. Or this is what's expected of me. So there's a there's a freedom in, in the choosing including in the choosing to move through fear. And fear is something that I'm really really working with too. So this is the other thing that came up in the iris ology session the the reading of irises so much to do with my kidneys. Which the the emotional, the emotional, what would you call it like energy center or emotional representation that the kidneys have is fear. So the kidneys govern our fear. And even though I can be so brave and take these big leaps, it's like sometimes I feel like I'm just skydiving out here on the edge of consciousness on the edge of unconventional living and leadership and wanting to construct a whole new way of doing business like all that is so exciting. So exciting to take the leap into that and if I don't tend to myself and nurture my my nervous system, my my tender heart and the inner child that's like but are we sure like are we going to be safe to do this so we're going to we're going to be judged are our loved ones still going to love us if we go do this and go become yet another new version of ourselves so there's like there's fear at every every step. I don't want to I don't want to over glorify the pioneers journey or the psycho nots journey of traveling deep into the inner workings of ourselves and the patterns that we have. I don't want to over glorify that and not share the shadow side of it. Because both are true, both are true. The good and the quote unquote bad. I've come to see that often I think it's really just this two different sides of the same coin or two different expressions of the same the same energy the same frequency that has a light and a shadow side so yeah, I certainly don't want to over glorify it. And I think in this in this stepping through the fear going through the fear zone. There's much we can learn about ourselves in our patterns. And there is so much self love that we get to unlock in the way that we show up for ourselves as we As we walk through that fear zone as we meet our own needs step by step, and go at whatever pace is true and write for us. Because our journey doesn't have to look like the journey of anyone else. Each one of our journey is going to be so unique as we sort of get out of our own way, and unlearn or unprogrammed, a lot of a lot of what isn't working, like deprogramming our colonial mindsets, is huge for a more just future. Such deep work, deprogramming and unlearning is such deep work. And when the veil drops and the constructs of self of who you thought you were and the identity you thought you were, in, perhaps even permanently, when all of that starts to crumble, who's like, which way is up and which way is down, like all of a sudden, it's, it's, it can be so disorienting as we, as we crossed this, this gap toward really towards ourselves towards the highest expression of ourselves, but it can be so challenging to have the constructs of who you think you are. Break, to have the constructs of how you think reality works, break. Like all my beliefs about money currently breaking left and right. It's incredibly disorienting. I'll be the first to tell you, it's like seeing a tear in the matrix. And then not knowing what to do with that can be very, it can be very overwhelming. It can feel like death. I've been through a couple of different really big ego deaths on this journey of walking home to myself. The first was leaving Harvard, which I only did for a time. And then I actually went back. But leaving my nine to five at Harvard and making the choice to move to Colorado, doing that via a a three to four month long road trip where I was living out of a 1999 Chevy Tahoe, with my ex fiance. We sold all of our material possessions, and we moved west and we went on a huge road trip all around the country before getting to Colorado, which turns out is not unique at all. I didn't realize that till I got there. But I remember being in a parking lot in a Walmart parking lot. And it's like, gosh, when you're living out of your car, having enough water is so secure. Like it feels so safe and secure. We would refill our water jugs at Walmart's and it was like, Oh, we have enough water like we're going to be okay. For a couple of days. No matter where we go. If we break down. If we go into the desert, if we do a big hike, we can wash our dishes, we can wash our faces and like, not be caked in dirt. There's something about having water that just felt so wonderful. But I remember looking around and feeling like wow, I don't know, I don't know who I am in this in this context. Like I'm, I'm like the filthiest I've ever been. I have only the possessions that are in this car. I am living with such simplicity. That it's like the only important thing that day was was getting enough water and being in my body being in nature. Such a healing existence and yet it was a big ego death. As I looked around, I was like, I mean, out here in the wilderness. No one gives a fuck if I you know, you still work at Harvard. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter here. It doesn't mean it doesn't mean no good here, that identity. And like all of a sudden I wasn't you know, I wasn't looking in the mirror and seeing like nice business clothes and my makeup and my hair done. I was seeing a big bun on the top of my head and a sunburned face and dirty fingernails and the Yeah, it's just a diff, a very different version of me. But, you know, again, it's all me, all of these expressions are me, there's something so primal, so freeing and wild about being in that existence too. And but my ego was freaking out, my ego was like, we made a mistake, we gotta go back, we gotta go beg to see if they'll take us back. Because we have no idea where our sense of value and worth comes from out here. And to learn that my worth comes from somewhere else. So that was one moment of ego death. And of course, it's like most times that I, that I engage in plant medicine, and use the incredible medicine of psilocybin to go into deeper parts of myself to have journeys into new lessons, new edges, I mean, that has been a huge part of my transformation journey. I haven't done it often. But the times that I have had been absolutely profound, and rewired how I see life. But in in a couple of those moments, and a couple of those, those trips, or journeys. I mean, it literally felt like I was dying, I surrendered to death in a really big way. And you know, and I remember thinking, like, if I like if I die, that's okay, like I had an incredible life, and just feeling so close to that, that death phase in the cycle of life. And then the gratitude that comes online in the, the rebirthing, after a big ego, death after identity, and your concept of your own personality sort of fading away, and having connection to life, be all there is having the energetic world be what you see, feel and hear, instead of the seemingly concrete physical reality that we are often or most often in incredibly profound to have these, these altered states of consciousness, at least in my experience, I don't think it's right for everyone. I'm not recommending that you go out and take mushrooms, I'm not but the the ego death. I believe that this can happen even without plant medicine. And often it's in these moments of, of taking big leaps of faith, of making a grand gesture for yourself, for your deeper truth. And the ego, the ego seems to die as we walk through that fear zone or at least it can. So to stay safe and comfortable all the time may not may not be the path for growth, like certainly not for me, I life has you know, life tends to shake things up for me when I do get too comfortable. When and you know not not that luxury and comfort are bad, you know? Of course not. That that nourishes me that regenerates me and replenishes me so much in phases of life when I need that. And then there are other phases of life where I need the discomfort I need the cold raw wind on the cliffs of of Ireland. I need the darkness of of the the old growth forests here. I need the light and the dark. Both can exist. On my journey to becoming a light leader is how I've come to think of it of like Trent like continuing to transmute pain and shadow into light alkalizing that. And that's probably a topic for another time. This whole idea of what is it to be a light leader? What is it to? What is it to really be a conscious leader? What does that what does that mean? What does that mean? Is that a is that a roll? Is that a vibration? Is that a frequency? Is that a mindset? Is that a way of showing up and spoiler spoiler alert, it is all of those things to me anyway. And you and really about shining, shining our light and shining our truth through our lives, letting our lives be art. Letting our lives be an expression of who we're becoming. And I'll leave you with this, you know, with this final thought, because we've, we've journeyed through this idea that, that you can leave one paradigm and step into a new one that you can step through the permeable membrane that once felt like a barrier or a wall that was on shattered bubble. You know, we've played with this idea that you can, you can leap across the chasm, you can you can build a bridge over the gap, you can make the jump, you can take the leap into something else into a different reality into a different timeline, a different set of rules a, a new identity, that feels more true, a different expression of yourself and your art and your gifts. That is a reflection of where you are now. Like we've we've touched on, on that theme of making the jump. And I completely forgot what I was going to say and leave you with. Related to that. So I guess I'll leave you with something different. Showing up with what is here now, which is a bit of forgetfulness, and a commitment to show up even in a bit of imperfection. Because like I said, I don't I don't edit these. And it's really important to me that I don't. So the jump doesn't have to be perfect. Doing the deep inner work doesn't have to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect. It's okay to break. It's okay to let reality break. You're not alone, you're not crazy. There are new ways of doing things. And some some spiritual teachers out there would say that it's because the very vibration of our earth is rising. And to me, it's a very interesting concept. Because you know, we are nature, we are Mother Earth, we are children and Mother Earth. And we too are made of energy. We've also done a lot as humans on this planet with our technology to add a whole bunch of energy and signals and information flow all around us. And I have to believe that that also contributes to being in this state of like hyperactivity, of over processing of not being able to digest all that is around us. So if that, you know, if the Earth's frequency is is rising, and if our current systems on the planet are breaking down, what are we waiting for? What are we waiting for like this, this new reality, this new way of being is available to us now? If we believe it and if we make the choice to make the jump in whatever way and whatever pace is true and right for us. So I invite you to check in with yourself about your current path of evolution of trance transformation of alchemy. What is your highest self calling you into? If you ask your body what it would have you do next? How does it answer? If there's one thing that you could let go of right now that would shed some weight or stop holding you back. Even if that's something within yourself, what would that be? So invite you to maybe journal with those questions and sit with those questions. Share any insights in the comments that's always always welcome. I'm looking to start a conversation here. So you know, I don't always want it to just be me on Zoom. We'd love to we'd love to Comment with you and keep these keep these conversations going. We'd love to know what resonated what showed up for you. And as always, if you are looking to get in contact or have deeper support in any of this reach out to me directly at Nicole at living leaders.org I have an announcement coming soon about living leaders and what that is. But for now, I will leave you on the edge of your seat. Thanks for showing up today. Enter work is often the hardest work, but it is the work required for lasting change and a healthier future for us all. If you found the show valuable please leave a review and subscribe. You can also take a deeper dive with me at incredible lyle.com Thanks again for being here and showing up for your new self. Your future self is certainly thank you